Last weekend we went to a water buffalo farm where we learned how to plant, harvest, cook, and eat rice. All in about two hours. I don't know why everyone says growing rice is so hard. This is all you do:
1. Throw rice into a wet field. Wait for it to grow a little bit, then pull it up (roots and all). Be careful of snails in the mud.
2. Plow a new wet field using a water buffalo and an old school plow.
3. I guess it's important to go in a circle, but whatever.
4. Take the rice you pulled up and plant it again, this time in nice, neat rows.
5. Now take a sickle and whack off bundles of rice grains. You don't need the roots this time because the rice is at the top of the . . . grass. Grain. Green part.
6. Pose for a picture because this part is actually really fun and you don't get muddy. Be careful of slicing off your fingers, though. Andrew did that once, in 2008. He's much better at this step now, though.
7. Put the grains into bundles and tie them up. Then carry them over to the processing plant like this.
8. Using a different water buffalo, squeeze all the juice out of the sugar cane. Wait, this is not about rice. But sometimes sugar cane cubes are delicious when paired with sticky rice, so go ahead and do this step. You can use a mule instead if you can't find another water buffalo. (That's how they do it in Tallahassee.)
9. Boil and stir the sugar cane for a while. It might turn into cubes, but maybe you need a nice Thai lady to come finish the process for you.
10. Wash off your feet. That mud is gross, man.
11. Now put all the bundles of rice in a giant bowl. Take nun-chucks and grab a bundle of rice, then slam it against the bottom of the bowl. All of the rice grains will fly out and rest at the bottom of the bowl. Discard the rest of the plant. You can feed it to your water buffaloes.
12. There are a few more steps, but they are pretty easy. Like, blow on the rice in the bowl so the empty grains fly away. And pound the rice a lot. And sift the rice from the shells. Like I said, easy.
13. EAT UP! After you cook some rice, eat it with the sugar cane, or maybe with fruit like mangoes or bananas. Anything is good.
Done. One day. Not even hard.